i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
