Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
