I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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