singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
