i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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