paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
