took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
