drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
