i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
