is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
