I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
