I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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