The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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