yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
