Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
