I'm so fucking centered right now
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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