how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
