I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
