it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
