Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
