Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
