dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
