i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
