I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
