Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
