I hate your face
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
