i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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