I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
