just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
