1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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