Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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