Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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