last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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