I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
