My liver just broke up with me...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
