I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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