Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
