I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
