Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
they need to just BURY HIM!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
