I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
