I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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