I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
