I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
