Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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