Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
