would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Randomize
