you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
