please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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