My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
