Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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